Jobless and Jaded

(Ed. – I wrote this on 01/19/09.)

The most depressing day of the year. I just want someone to want to be with me, wholeheartedly. I don’t want to have to play games anymore. I want to know his intentions, to predict and know the future. I want someone to be excited about me all the time and not just because they want to have sex with me.

“You’re in communications and you’re the quietest one out of all of us,” he remarked.

What can I say? I have opinions, but they are often overshadowed and overwhelmed bu others who are more forceful and passionate than I am. I’m passionate too — but more subdued. I restrain myself because I’m cautious and afraid — risk-adverse.

But it seems like being my true self doesn’t necessarily make them want me more.

I almost exclusively Tumblelog these days.

I have a new boy in my life, and I haven’t felt this excited about someone in a long time. So, I’m afraid of what this means for me.

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I was thinking of a certain boy from the present/past/future, and I said aloud (into my pillow), “I love you.”

WTF?! I was so shocked by my pronouncement that I was fully awake, reflecting on the enormity of that admission. I think it is true — but will I have the guts to tell him?

WhoWhatWearDaily.com has a great post on quality cosmetics you can find in drugstores (does that sound like an oxymoron?).

I can attest to the Maybelline Colossal Volum’ Express Mascara and the L’Oreal Hip Metallic Shadow Duo — I wore both on New Year’s Eve, and they were more than satisfactory. I have Asian, super-short, super-straight lashes, so it’s really hard to find a good mascara on the cheap that will coax a little glamor out of them. I have the Maybelline Dream Mousse Blush, but have yet to try it yet.

Took an Ambien again last night in order to fall asleep.

That’s two consecutive nights, and I’m a little worried about my insomnia. So I tried soothing music (the Album Leaf helps a lot) and writing in my journal, and I ended up weeping into my pillow because I’m so sad, tired, and eternally frustrated. I’m worried about my web editing job being cut, my rent increase; I’m wondering why this boy never calls me; and I’m worried that I fucked up what might have been the only one true, meaningful relationship that I ever had and possibly ever will have. He tells me I’m awesome, and no other guy tells me that. No one seems to understand me like he does — and I’m afraid that no one ever will.

This weather isn’t helping either — it’s been so drearily cold and wet in D.C. the past couple of days, that all I want to do is curl back under my comforter and go to sleep, sleep, sleep. Or try to. More like, lie awake with my stupid-hamster-wheel-thoughts spinning fruitlessly around in my head, as I shut my eyes and let time pass over like a fleeting phantom.

out here i can barely see my breath
surrounded by jealousy and death
i can’t be reached, only had one call
dragged underneath, separate from you all

this time i’ve lost my own return
in spite of everything i’ve learned
i hid my tracks, spit out all my air
slipped into cracks, stripped of all my cares

i’m so tired sheep are counting me
no more struggle, no more energy
no more patient and you can write that down
it’s all too crazy and i’m not sticking round

– “I’m So Tired,” Fugazi

I had a heart-to-heart with my sister when I was at home this weekend. I often feel that there’s a barrier between us, because I haven’t been there for her when she needed me the most, and I’m so sorry for that. I could barely save myself, and she knows that and understands, but still: she’s my little sister. I told my mother I would never abandon her (and I never will.)

But my sister’s a lot more perceptive and self-aware than I thought she was, and probably more than I am, as I tend to try to bury painful emotions before they overwhelm and overtake me. She told me that she has a lot of regret for things she hasn’t done, and I told her that regrets are just mistakes you haven’t learned from. She told me that she is trying not to mourn the past but to live in the present and look forward to the future.

And that is what I’m trying to do as well — I may not know where I want to go, but this is my life, in the here and now, and there is much beauty to be shared.

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